Although on the Richter Scale, my life can be considered quite heavy at the moment, I must admit there is no excuse for the sloppy, negligent tramp I’ve become. Some days I don’t even get dressed until 16:00pm, kidding myself into believing it is acceptable because I have holidays. I smell myself, knowing I need to get into the shower any time soon. And did I brush my teeth last night? I have become quite skilled at avoiding the sorry sight of my bewildered garden when I let in the cat and closing my eyes to the piles of dust and unopened mail around me.
Is this the same me who was quite organised and polished only six months ago? Well, it certainly is the new me, apart from the days I hit the road to get to the hospital. On these days, I still manage to put up a semblance of normality, throw on some clothes and paint the face. The car is a total mess, of course, but never mind, it loyally gets me to Rotterdam with cookie crumbs on the floor and lemonade on the steering wheel.
Who cares? I used to.
All the other hours I sit in my office, typing. This has the air of me being very industrious and to some extent I am. I am working hard but not to finish the book that is screaming in my ears. I am busy promoting my début novel, which seems like the only thing I need to do, a laudable mission. To a certain extent this may seem normal, but I’m definitely overdoing it. In spite of my sturdy blinkers, it has now become clear even to me that closing that office door to proclaim I’m working is just an excuse to avoid the harsh reality I find myself in.
Not only my surroundings are a mess, so am I. I don’t move, overeat, drink too much coffee, vegetate. A frozen statue in front of the screen, eyes blurred and neck and arms hurting.
So I’ve decided that as of tomorrow I’m no longer going to indulge in my self-pity. I have a plan.
The new, old me will emerge. I’m going to move: do my yoga, hike, cycle, cook normal meals and eat them, cut down coffee and go to bed at a decent time. Oh, and my bras have been washed so no excuse there!
But most importantly of all: I am going to write again.
Come back and ask me how I’m feeling in a week’s time. I’m determined to stick to the new routine and I know I can for I’ve done it before. End of stupor.
It’s only myself I have to say sorry to and that’s taken care of.
Glad to hear you’re getting back on your feet, Hannah! I know it can be tough, but I know you’ll feel better once you get back into it. We’re all rooting for you!
You go girl! But don’t be too hard on yourself.
xxxM
Its good to have a goal in sight. Take small steps, and enjoy the process. I made a similar evaluation about myself a few months ago. It is easy to fall by the wayside.
I am slowly getting back to the ‘me’ I knew before.
Good luck – You can do it! .
Hannah-girl, Take good care and be kind to yourself. Whatever makes you happy is what you should do, not necessarily what you think you should do. Let your intuition guide you! Love you, Elizabeth
Hey, Hannah. I’m sure many of us can relate to your words and many have not had to cope with what has been going on in your life recently!
Do whatever makes YOU feel better or as some company quite rightly says: Because you’re worth it.
Who gives a flying fig if you have dust on the floor? Oh, you do? In that case, get on it, girl
Bon courage mon amie. xx
Hannah, you’ve been through a very bad time but you don’t need to beat yourself up because that’s made it hard to even think of the normal routine you’ve been used to previously. If you’re starting to think of these things again, that’s an excellent sign. But take it easy and don’t overdo it. Allow yourself lots of time to do things you used to enjoy, again, as well as routine work. Above all, remember that God is with you and sorting things out – bask in his loving presence.
Love and blessings, my dear friend.
Great that you’re planning to get back to writing, by the way!
Do what Maria says: small steps, a bit at a time. You are ALLOWED to feel low and neglect yourself, so as Gerry says, don’t beat yourself up. Just do what you have to do to feel you can cope.
Who wrote this? You, or me?